My most tortured album review yet...

Hi! So, I'm not a massive Swiftie. In fact, I never thought I truly liked Taylor Swift's music until about a year ago. But from the very first announcement, I was highly intrigued by The Tortured Poets Department. I listened to it basically the minute it first released, and let me tell you, I was surprised. For one, I was just expecting a simple 16-track album, I was not expecting we'd get 15 more bonus tracks! (And by the way, I will be reviewing every single one of them). So this is going to be my biggest album review yet. For two, I was not necessarily expecting it to be so synth-poppy and almost R&B. I'm not disappointed because it's still really well done, but that's not exactly the genre I expected. For three, it seems like a lot of these songs are about Matty Healy when everyone seemed to be predicting this would be about Joe Alwyn. Anyway, we have a lot of songs to talk about so let's start reviewing!

The Tortured Poets Department

1. Fortnight (featuring Post Malone)

My rating: 4/5 Good

Alright, the album's opening track (and the first single) was a bit underwhelming. It's not bad at all though. The biggest redeeming quality are the lyrics, I like how this is the song that uses the "I love you, it's ruining my life" line. Taylor & Post sound great together although Post doesn't contribute much. The main issue that brings it down is the production because it's kind of boring and doesn't do really do anything. But it's still a solid song. Most of these reviews will be relatively short because I'm reviewing 31 songs. (I still can't believe it)

2. The Tortured Poets Department

My rating: 5/5 Great

This one was a fantastic surprise. Let me just say, I didn't expect this to be a breakup song. I didn't expect this to say the title in the lyrics either, let alone in the context it's used in. "You left your typewriter at my apartment, straight from the tortured poets department". So apparently Matty Healy really likes typewriters, and that's why we got all those lyric teases written on typewriters. The production here is a lot better than in Fortnight. It actually kind of reminds me of IION but a bit slower. Great song.

3. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

My rating: 5/5 Great

This sounds so Reputation. (In a good way, not in a LWYMMD way) I thought the production sounded really cool and works well with this kind of angry breakup song. The lyrics are confusing, but I love them. "My boy only breaks his favorite toys, I'm the queen of sand castles he destroys". I mean, that's great songwriting. I'm assuming that means Taylor is his "favorite toy", and their relationship is the "sand castle". Really cool song.

4. Down Bad

My rating: 5/5 Great

So, I was actually expecting "down bad" to just be referring to the dictionary definition, which according to Merriam-Webster, means "feeling or marked by strong and usually unrequited feelings of attraction, desire, or infatuation”, and while it kind of means that, she plays with the phrase a bit: essentially, she was "down bad" so hard that when it didn't work, she felt "down, bad". With masterful lyrics like "I might just not get up, I might stay down bad" and "everything comes out teenage petulance", this is a really well-made song and I love it.

5. So Long, London

My rating: 5/5 Great

So, for this one, it's track five, which is usually one of the biggest emotional hard-hitters on the album. For some reason, there were rumors that this one would be 10 minutes long or something (which would be really exciting considering the 10-minute version of All Too Well is my favorite and possibly her objective best song), but I guess not. But despite its unexpectedly short length, it's still one of the best songs on the album. The production is still synth-pop, and it takes a while but it evolves as it goes along. So, not another long masterpiece but still a super cool song.

6. But Daddy I Love Him

My rating: 5/5 Great

Now this one, on the other hand, was shockingly long. I was expecting a shorter, more playful and poppy song. But instead, this is the longest track on the album, at almost six minutes. When the length was revealed, I thought it would be a ballad, but it's actually got more of a Red/1989 sound to it. The lyrics are a classic "why does my dad keep me from him" love story, but with a twist: "even my daddy just loves him". It's got quite a few lines about weddings which immediately reminded me of Speak Now. Well, this is not exactly what I expected, but it's one of my favorites on the album.

7. Fresh Out the Slammer

My rating: 5/5 Great

This was one of the songs that I was extremely excited for, because there were a lot of theories surrounding the title. People disagreed over whether it was Taylor coming out of the slammer, or her boyfriend, or someone else. Turns out, it is Taylor, and the "slammer" actually refers to her relationships, now knowing the first one she wanted to rebound with was Matty Healy (probably). Production-wise it's super unique. It actually has a bit of a western sound to it in some parts. This is another one of my favorites.

8. Florida!!! (featuring Florence & the Machine)

My rating: 5/5 Great

Wow, three exclamation points? I was not sure what to expect when I heard this title. I was definitely expecting this would be a really upbeat song, which it kinda is, but it actually starts off in a slower R&B-type sound, and the chorus is the loud and banging part. Lyrically, this song seems to be an extension on one of the lines from Fortnight about moving to Florida to escape from issues. Alright, cool song.

9. Guilty as Sin?

My rating: 5/5 Great

This is another song I was really intrigued by just from the title, considering the term "guilty as sin" usually means unquestionably guilty... yet there's a question mark? I was wondering how in the universe that would work, but it turns out it's just a shortened part of a question: "Without ever touching his skin, how can I be guilty as sin?" The lyrics really shine here, containing the early teased lyric "Am I allowed to cry?" Also, the lyrics make a clever reference to the song title "Mine", which is a song by Taylor Swift and also the title of a 1975 song, which Matty Healy is the lead singer of. So, it seems like this is another song about Matty, and a great one at that.

10. Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?

My rating: 3/5 Decent

Now here's one that I was excited for mostly when the length was revealed. From the title, I thought this would be this album's Antihero but a longer and more emotional version. But of course, it's a song about Olivia Rodrigo. I mean, I'm not surprised she has a song about Olivia on here. I might just be biased because Taylor Swift is targeting one of my top three favorite artists of all time, but I also still think this song is too repetitive for how long it is. This song also contains the weakest of the lyrics teased on the album cover, "You don't get to tell me about sad", which is a good line, but the songwriting doesn't compare to some of the others on the album. It's not a terrible song, but did not live up to my expectations. Next.

11. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

My rating: 5/5 Great

So, this is a song about Matty Healy, and is about how he is a messed-up man but she can handle dating him. The chorus is "I can fix him, no really I can, and only I can", which shows that Taylor is really confident that she is able to date a "dangerous man" even if nobody else can, until the final line of the song when she concludes, "whoa, maybe I can't", abruptly shifting this from a love song to a breakup song. I also think the production here is really unique and not what I expected from a Taylor song. It's quite short, but still great.

12. loml

My rating: 5/5 Great

I was really excited for this one because I was really curious how she would play on the acronym "loml". Turns out, she uses it in two ways. She uses it first to mean "love of my life", in that her ex said she was the "love of [his] life", which she says loses its meaning after he says it so many times. And by the outro, she changes the acronym to "loss of my life". And let's talk about the production. I wasn't necessarily expecting a ballad, but it sounds really good. It reminds me of Folklore in a way. So this is shockingly one of my favorites on the album.

13. I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

My rating: 5/5 Great

When I first heard the title, I was expecting one thing: an upbeat pop song about how she can still have fun and shine on the Eras Tour even while dealing with the challenge of her breakup with Joe Alwyn. And that's just what we got, but it's better than I expected. It's got a perfect evolution so it's not completely boring like NTWDT or Lavender Haze. For some reason I have a feeling this'll go on to be one of the big radio hits on the album, and I'm not surprised it's track 13.

14. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

My rating: 6/5 Absolutely Fantastic and Amazing and Maybe the Best Song of the Year

W O W. We're breaking out the 6 tier here. I thought that was only legal on Guts. This is one of the best songs of Taylor's career. Not quite as good as All Too Well (10 Minute Version), but it's up there. It seems like this "smallest man" refers to Matty Healy, and the titular phrase unexpectedly seems to directly refer to his literal size rather than a metaphor. In fact, she actually calls out his manhood in this song, which doesn't happen too often. Musically, it seems to be split into two parts. The first two verses and choruses are more of a melancholic piano ballad, and then it has a really long orchestral outro section at the end where Taylor mentions being paranoid about what her ex is doing to her. So, yeah, this is a crazy amazing song that'll probably end up being my favorite song of the year. I really hope this becomes somewhat of a hit.

15. The Alchemy

My rating: 4/5 Good

Alright, looks like we got a love song about Travis Kelce on here. I can't say I'm surprised about that. However, I'm surprised at many of the lyrics. When I heard the title "The Alchemy", I immediately expected some deep lyrics about trying to make gold out of their relationship or whatever. But instead, the lyrics here are ridden with football metaphors, like "touchdown", "where's the trophy", "greatest in the league", etc. Now, obviously Travis Kelce is a football player so of course there's football references, but why in a song called "The Alchemy"? Why isn't this song called "Touchdown" or something more fitting for the football theme? Unless alchemy is some kind of football term I'm missing out on, I will never understand that title choice.

16. Clara Bow

My rating: 5/5 Great

So this is technically the final track on the main album, but we're reviewing all fifteen "anthology" bonus tracks too. The opening line "You look like Clara Bow" caught me off-guard. If you don't know, Clara was an actress in the 1920's who coined the term "it girl". Additionally, she suffered from mental health issues due to the stress of her fame. And that brings me to my theory about this song's meaning - Taylor says her own name in a song for the first time. "You look like Taylor Swift". That makes me think this song is actually a song about Taylor herself, told from the third person, possibly about how Taylor is under a lot of pressure being one of the most famous people in the world. This is an intriguing concept for a song and certainly not what I expected.

The Anthology

17. Black Dog

My rating: 5/5 Great

Alright, so we're starting off the Anthology tracks with a great one. So, the title is a reference to an actual bar called The Black Dog, but it could also mean that Taylor is being "hunted" by love. The lyrics here are really good, I love how the chorus makes reference the band "The Starting Line", and apparently Matty Healy did a cover of one of their songs. So this song might be another one about Matty Healy. I really love the production here too, it's another one that starts as a slow ballad but evolves as it goes along. Fantastic opener for The Anthology.

18. Imgonnagetyouback

My rating: 2/5 Mediocre

Alright, time for the worst song on the album by far. Looks like now Taylor's the one copying Olivia Rodrigo? She really did get her back there. However, this song is essentially the same concept as Get Him Back, using the term as a double-entendre: wanting to either get back together with her ex, or get revenge on her ex. I can just imagine Taylor acting as if this is some genius concept, when there's a far better song by her former-fan-turned-enemy that used this concept before her. If this doesn't just elevate the Taylor-Olivia feud even more, I don't know what will. Not to mention the synth production here is insanely boring and repetitive and literally never goes anywhere. I'd take the Olivia song over this any day. However, there's one thing that saves it from being worse: when I heard the title, I was definitely expecting this to be another song about Olivia, but luckily it's about an ex and not directly targeted at Olivia. So, while there could possibly be some subtle or even unintentional Olivia disses here, it's not completely slandering her. Still the worst song on the album by far though.

19. The Albatross

My rating: 5/5 Great

Alright, now that we're past that mess, now we have more great songs. Musically this reminds me of Willow, in the best possible way. And lyrically, it's quite interesting. So, an albatross is a bird that is said to bring shame and bad luck, so she warns her ex about a woman who is "here to destroy (him)". Later on, she changes the line to "I'm the albatross", to show that she believes that she herself might bring out bad luck and shame in people. The lyrics are quite complex, and that's done really well here. Great song.

20. Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

My rating: 5/5 Great

This is another ballad, but luckily, like usual, it builds as it moves along. It has a bit of a Folklore-type sound to it, which I love because Folklore is one of my favorite Taylor albums. Lyrically, it's a song about her ex cheating on her. The inclusion titular list of names may mean that Taylor is aware that her ex is a frequent cheater, and is unsure which person it is, or even whether he is cheating on her with a woman or a man. Not much to say here other than it's another great ballad.

21. How Did It End?

My rating: 4/5 Good

Once again, this is a ballad. However, this one doesn't evolve quite as much and is a lot more boring than the previous track. The lyrics are alright but nothing too special, other than they contain quite a few of the lyrics that were teased before hand. I don't love this one quite as much but it's still decent. Really not much interesting to note about this one.

22. So High School

My rating: 5/5 Great

This is another Travis Kelce love song. However, this time it's got a creative title that isn't completely irrelevant to the theme of the song. At first I didn't entirely understand what it meant but knew it was kinda funny. According to Genius it could mean that she dreamed of dating the guy on the football team in high school, and now that dream came true. This is a really fun love song and it was a lot better than I expected.

23. I Hate It Here

My rating: 5/5 Great

Some say this sounds like her older songs, but I don't really hear that. But what I do hear is that it's a great song. It's just another ballad with great evolution, fantastic storytelling lyrics, and shining vocal performance. I'm kind of running out of ideas for unique things to say here, so moving on.

24. thanK you aIMee

My rating: 5/5 Great

So, normally I don't care about using the "official capitalization" for the song titles on my blog. But in this case, the capitalization is important, as it actually hides an Easter egg: the capitalized letters are K, I, M. That's because this song seems to be about Kim Kardashian. I'm not sure if there's also a real person named "Aimee" or if that name was just chosen so there would be an IM. This is an interesting one. Once again, it's got great lyrics, the production is on-point, and this is also one of the best ones vocally. Overall, it's just another great song.

25. I Look in People's Windows

My rating: 4/5 Good

So, this is another one that's just good. It's still alright though. Once again, it's got well written lyrics, but they feel a bit more generic compared to some of the other songs on here. The melody in the chorus is quite similar to Death by a Thousand Cuts, one of Taylor's previous songs, and DBATC also contains a similar lyric about looking in windows. The production's decent but a bit boring. Just another good song but definitely not one I'll be revisiting much.

26. The Prophecy

My rating: 4/5 Good

Goodness, two songs in a row at a less-than-great rating. Of course, this is still alright. But it's just kind of boring again. It's a song about the longing for change, but not only has Taylor talked about that before, but for a song about wanting things to change, the production here doesn't seem to change much throughout. It's just kind of an underwhelming song, but far from bad.

27. Cassandra

My rating: 5/5 Great

Whew, only five songs left! Next up, we have two more songs that are titled after people's names. And this one is actually quite great. This one's got really deep lyrics about the challenges of being disbelieved when speaking out against injustice (some lyrics might also be about Kim Kardashian). I love how this is compared to the story of Cassandra of Troy. Production-wise, it's also fantastic. It kinda reminds me of Cardigan. Really unexpectedly great song.

28. Peter

My rating: 4/5 Good

So, surprisingly, it seems like the Peter she's referencing is actually Peter Pan. I quite like the lyrics here, which could again be about Matty. The only reason this is rated a 4 instead of a 5 is just because it's almost five minutes long and doesn't really go anywhere, and I honestly think a song like this would work much better as a shorter song.

29. The Bolter

My rating: 5/5 Great

Alright, just three to go! So, this one is another one told in the third person, and the "bolter" seems to be referencing someone running away from... something... actually I honestly don't quite understand this one. I guess it's about a sense of fun and freedom in a relationship? But nonetheless, it's still great. I especially like the production here, because it's another one that starts slow and evolves. Strange song but great.

30. Robin

My rating: 5/5 Great

So when I saw the title, I thought this would be another song about a bird. But apparently, it refers to a person named Robin, specifically collaborator Aaron Dessner's child. It's a song about childhood and the lyrics are considered nostalgic and whimsical. Some might say it's lyrically somewhat similar to It's Nice to Have a Friend in a way. But musically, it's very different. It's another ballad, and yet again, it's got the evolution that makes it really amazing. We're almost to the end now!

31. The Manuscript

My rating: 5/5 Great

Wow, making a thorough song-by-song review of a 31-song album packed with secrets, deep meanings, and plenty of stuff to dissect was even harder than I expected. But we're finally to the last song of the album. And... w o w. This is another one of my favorites. The lyrics are so poetic and reflective on basically her entire musical career. Also told from the third-person, it tells the story of past relationships and the "manuscripts" being songs, and now that the world has heard her songs, she states "the story isn't [hers] anymore". While it's not my favorite song on the whole album, it's definitely up there. Now, I'm not trying to suggest this, but this could very well fit as the final song of Taylor's career. It just seems so massively reflective on her entire journey that I can't imagine what'll be next for her.

Conclusion

The Tortured Poets Department rating: 96% (Great Album)

The Anthology rating: 91% (Great Album)

Overall album rating: 94% (Great Album)

So, overall it was a mostly great album. There were just a few songs that were a bit on the boring side, and only one song that I truly didn't like, but otherwise it met most of my expectations, and a few songs exceeded my expectations (especially TSMWEL). However, I wasn't fully expecting the anthology to get a 5% lower score than the main album. Well, I hope you enjoyed my review, because this was so hard to make...

Favorite song: The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

Least favorite song: Imgonnagetyouback

That's all for now! Byeeeeeeeeeeee!